we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
