I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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