i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this must be what syphilis tastes like
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
