No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
