I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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