Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
