dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
