u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
