She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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