I don't usually arrange sex via text message
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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