I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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