Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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