He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
