I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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