you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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