Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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