is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
