Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
