My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
