What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
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I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
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Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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