im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We talked him into tasing himself.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The uberlube is also flammable
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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