Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.