I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
