I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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