you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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