I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
