She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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