so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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