hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
