I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
