There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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