smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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