I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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