So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
