The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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