I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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