Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
