On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
