my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
