Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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