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Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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