just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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