My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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