I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
