Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
