Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
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You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You did what with his pubic hair?
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