I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
