Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
