allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
