was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
