i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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