i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
