Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
