this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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