we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
