also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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