She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
