people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
