so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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