she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
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I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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